Hello advice givers :),

  My sister in law is truely driving me crazy. When i call to ask about her or her 4 kids(who she abandons and does absolutely nothing with) she  answers the phone "Yeah what do you want". she has no etiquette and  I  believe she has been raised by wolves. :-/ On thanksgiving she has yelled at me in front of everybody and told me " DONT GIVE YOUR SON HIS SIPPY CUP BECAUSE HE IS GOING TO SPILL ON THE CARPET",  i just thought in my head ok shes mental. she gives me a headache.  She was mad because Thanksgiving was going to be at her house this year. We are not going to live at your house hun, we will just stay for a few hours and leave.  i watch my kids.   then 2 hours later she came up to me and said " YOUR KIDS WENT UP STAIRS TO THE PLAYROOM WITH A PLATE OF FOOD" , i told her calmly that i had fed my kids and they didnt do that. how is a 3.5 year old and 2 year old going to go and put a plate of food by themselves. lets be realistic here. they didnt even break or spill anything so i dont know what her problem is.note that there was 30 other kids there. also about 30 adults.  should i give her an excuse and say PMS. I dont know anymore. I dont like her influence in front of my kids and i know she is a bad influence on me. She works out 3 hours a day on her treadmill, she lives a luxurious lifestyle, but is extremely ungrateful. she is mean to me for no reason, which i dont care , it doesnt bother me. i am ready to dump her for good. she has NO FRIENDS, her own mother and sister cant stand her.  i wish she can be normal for her kids sake. i feel bad for them. i dont know what to do about her.  obviously i cant change her, but i can choose to either be around her or not.  i think the best thing for me and my kids is not to have her company. im not going to be her scapegoat, or my kids. Should i dump her and keep my sanity? i dont know.  what would you do in a situation like this? i know everyone has that obnoxious family member. should i keep being my forgiving self like always. Oh yeah by the way EVEN HER NEIGHBORS HATE HER!  they told me. :P

Oh boy, she sounds like a barrel of fun. Not. I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry that you and your family have to put up with such a off-putting person. I feel bad for her kids; it must be terrible to have a mother like that....Since she is family, I think it would be rather hard to avoid having her in your life.  :-/

Hang in there! (((hug)))

LOL JURI :),

Barrel of Fun!NOT. I have put up with her for 7 years, i have been very patient.

 but at least the ellen show is on ::)

thanks for the hugs juri! :-* i needed it.

Good grief she sounds really messed up. :(  Maybe she's depressed? Perhaps she needs help?  I don't know what you can do but hang in there.  ((((((((hugs))))))))))

thanks lisabelle :),


boy do i need those hugs!  i dont think she will get help, she is tooooooo stubborn. :-/

I don't think anyone can tell you what is right for you to do, its a very personal decision, but I do feel your pain.  It is really hard to decide not to see members of your family, even if you don't like them.  I think I took at least as long as your 7 years to get to the point you are at now.  We are all instilled with a guilt complex (at least I was) regarding the obligation to visit family at certain times of the year.  However, I have come to the conclusion that being  family does not give them the right to make my every minute in their presence hell.  If they make me miserable it is absolutely within my control to put an end to it by just not seeing them.   So I do my best not to see those people.  I can still see the family members who are considerate, kind and loving.  My mother and grandmother both know, understand and accept my reasons for not attending certain family functions.  

Maybe you can just arrange to have her children over sometimes without her so that they have a chance to be with family members who actually care and show them consideration.  It certainly sounds as though your children should not have to deal with her.  I know that I still remember awful things adults said to me when I was very young.  Some of them were very hurtful and really affected me for a long time even though they are long-forgotten by the speaker.

Good luck with whatever you decide.  It sounds like you are really agonizing over this and once again I can completely relate.  *hugs*

In-laws - you don't get to pick them, they come as part of the "package".  It is apparent her priorities and yours  are not the same.  You can't change her and she can't change you.  The best thing is to just accept her for who she is and try to keep your contacts short and in environments that you can both handle.

wrote on Nov 30^th, 2005 at 11:10pm:

In-laws - you don't get to pick them, they come as part of the "package".  It is apparent her priorities and yours  are not the same.  You can't change her and she can't change you.  The best thing is to just accept her for who she is and try to keep your contacts short and in environments that you can both handle.

I think that's the best advice that can be given.  The best tactic for dealing with relatives is to kill them with kindness.  ;D

Sounds as if she might like to meet my evil roomate.  ;D

Point 1: Have you talked to your brother about her behaviour? Obviously, he married her for a reason. But the fact that her misconduct towards his family continues is a sign that he either turns the other cheek or feels helpless to do anything about it. You might suggest that they seek family counseling.

Point 2: It's not for you to make up excuses for her. If the way she acts towards you and your children offends you, it's best to just avoid her. You are the one who decides what you will or will not subject yourself and your children to.

Point 3: You are right that you can't change her and it is your choice to be around her or not. But you're wrong to say that you "don't care" and that "it doesn't bother" you. Obviously it does, or you would not have posted this.

Point 4: It's unfortunate that people like this even exist in the first place...but they do. I mean the sort of negative, self-absorbed people whom it seems that no one on earth can stand. The best thing to do is stay away and not let her ruin anymore of your family gatherings. If your brother starts asking why you never show up at his house anymore, be polite but direct in your explanation. This might just compel him to do something about it. Otherwise, if seeing this "lady" is completely unavoidable, at least try to remain polite. You don't have to act friendly toward her, but don't act rude to her either. That's just lowering yourself to her level.

Point 5: The holidays can be very stressful, but I'd say that she's abusing the privilege. Forgiveness only goes so far. As a former co-worker once said to me, "You can have a big heart, but there comes a point when you're just stupid." Meaning generosity & politeness are one thing, being taken advantage of is another.

Point 6: Just be strong & hang in there, whatever your decision. God wouldn't give you a challenge that you were incapable of facing.  ;)  

My apologies if I misunderstood the relationship of this woman as being your brother's wife. If she is your husband's evil sister, then well...just try to avoid her and explain to your husband why you feel it's best. Hope it helps even a little!  :)

I truly feel your pain.  Some of the people we have issues with are honest to god mental patients, and the others just should be it seems.   I choose not to see the people that cause the most problems.  My mental health is just as important as theirs, and I will not tolerate unacceptable behavior.  

Since she is an in-law, you shouldn't have to have any specific conversation with her.  Discuss the issue with the blood-relation if need be, and leave it at that.   You can always choose to have a relationship with her in the future if you want.  There are a couple of our family members that are now trying their best behavior to get reinvited to family functions.  And it might happen...but 20 years of rudeness takes time to get over.  

I have members on her side that are just plain criminals. They aren't necessarily mean to me, but I feel one should work for a living and not be a con-artist.

I finally had to tell my dear lady that when she goes to see these certain relatives, I will no longer go with her. I'm glad that I don't have said Sister-in-law attitudes at least!

A lot of these super rich people are just out of touch and self centered. You won't change her. I'd quit going over there but don't stop your husband from seeing his sister.

Actually, I like having Thanksgiving at my place. I look forward to it every year!

Thankyou Ladies :-* for your replies and advice,


First of all, let me just point out that she is my husbands brothers wife. my brother in law is very sweet,  but has no back bone and lets her do what she wants. poor guy :-/.

Second, it honestly does not bother me and i dont dwell on it because i know she has the problem, not me. thankgod i have a lot of friends, nice family, and long locks 8). I have watched on the Dr. Phil show that Bullying comes because a person has low self esteem, hates her own self, and the root of the problem is deep within them. but they lash out to TRY to make themselves feel better, when in turn they may feel well for one second, but then they get back into that routine of feeling hatred to there own self. Its a sick cycle.  I JUST TRUELY FEEL BAD FOR HER INNOCENT KIDS, who she abadons them when they need her(i have seen it with my own eyes) , she will be working out on the treadmill and they need help with homework and she tells them LEAVE ME ALONE! its truely sad. God help her kids. i just hope they turn out ok.

 My best friend, whom i told the situation to told me she has the same problem but with her Father in law. she told me he is mean to her for no reason. we talked for hours about how to solve this problem. Its a bullying cycle. very sad.
 
 i liked the idea of family counsleing. i will suggest it to my brother in law.

my heart goes out to the innocent kids in this situation. :'(

Indeed. Those poor kids. Pray for them.  :(

Hope things improve on the homefront for both you and your best friend.

Thanks Angel spun :),


  I will suggest family counseling soon and hopefully some things will start changing for the better. ::)

I'm sorry your having such trouble with your sister in law :-/

But you have to cut her some slack, i mean imagine no have no friends, and your family can't stand you for over 7 years :-/! That's 7 years of loneliness

I'm not giving her any excuse to do what she is doing, but people like that try to get attention any way they can. Sounds like she cares about her looks more than her personality, home, kids (proof- the treadmill thing), husband, and friends.

There was agirl at my school who really had problems, she would hurt people mentaly and physicaly for no reason :-/, she would stand in the middle of the hall, or cafeteria and start crying, just to get attention. I met a few weeks ago, and all she talked about was how many times she tried to commit suicide in the past 2 years that i haven't seen her, and how the school counsler officailly declared her suicidal. I tried to tell her that she shouldn't tell the whole world, that it's nothing to be proud of, but what should i say. I do fell sorry for her, cuz she has problems at home, with her parents being divorced, and living with her step mother and all. We tried to tell her that if she has any problems she can talk to us in private, and we will try to help her. But i think she preferes the demanding attention better :-/.

Anyway, of course you can't change her, but i don't think your kids should stay away from these poor, poor kids. Have you talked to your husband about it? he could probably talk to his brother or something. And it seems like your being calm is annoying her even more.

P.S. The ellen show is the best medication for the put downs of daily life :), i could have a death in the family and she would still make me laugh...

wrote on Dec 1^st, 2005 at 11:05am:

I JUST TRUELY FEEL BAD FOR HER INNOCENT KIDS, who she abadons them when they need her(i have seen it with my own eyes) , she will be working out on the treadmill and they need help with homework and she tells them LEAVE ME ALONE! its truely sad. God help her kids. i just hope they turn out ok.'(

You might not like my answer to this, but I done the same thing with my children. They had to learn that there were times, when I did not wanted to be bothered - unless it was an emergency! I had my "mommy time" that was it. Of course I didn't stretch this out over several hours, but sometimes I told them that I was going to read, make a phone call or just set and relaxed for a few minutes. I would always explain for how long and why I needed 10, 15 or 30 minutes for myself. Kids need boundaries (in my opinion) and they had to learn to respect rules. I did the same thing for my husband when he came home in the evenings. The kids would great Daddy and play or talk for a few minutes, and then Daddy would be left alone for a while until he was ready for Family time. M. and T. both knew that Dad was still wearing work cloth and he needed to change from "work-daddy" to "family-daddy".....

And as far as your differences with your SIL go, I would avoid confrontations. As Panpeus put it "kill them with kindness". Like I told my Dad years ago:
I prefer rats in the basement over family in the house  :-/

Hello moonchild :),


 thanks for the advice of kill them with kindness, but does that really work? i wonder :-/. i wish some ladies would share there stories about how kindness to unfriendly family member helped the situation.

About what you did with your kids im not judging anyone, its good that you took that 15 minute break because im sure you were a better mommy because of it. I take 15 minute breaks daily, but i dont abandon my kids for 3 hours when they need me. Also you did the right thing of explaining to your kids that  you needed a 15 minute break. you didnt ignore them for a long period of time. bottom line is , is that my sister in law needs medical mental help for what she is doing to her kids. its sad :'(.

beesan16,

thanks for your advice  :-*. i appreciate it.

wrote on Dec 5^th, 2005 at 3:58pm:

thanks for the advice of kill them with kindness, but does that really work? i wonder :-/. i wish some ladies would share there stories about how kindness to unfriendly family member helped the situation.

I don't have a specific story.  But being kind to an unfriendly family member may at least keep the door open for any or all of the rest of the family. I mean, perhaps some day one of her kids will need an aunt or uncle to talk with or help in the situation.  If you keep that kindness going, at least the kids will know you and know your door is open.

Actually, I do have a story that somewhat relates:  we were able to be "foster parents" to a sibling's kids because we left the door open.  The parents were comfortable enough with us to agree to this arrangement for a couple of months while they got help with their problems.

HOH

Thankyou for sharing that PreciousLocks :). I will definately keep that in mind. Kill them with kindness. :-/

You ladies are truely wonderful :-*.