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Texian's Travels (Read 110827 times)
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #60 - Mar 29th, 2008 at 11:48pm
 
To me, an ordinary crime of human fallability.  I see where it sent the message he wasn't important, especially when I talked to my stepfather later and STILL didn't tell him he couldn't say such things.  That crime I will admit to.  I have apologized for it, but not for the other.  I take the position that it was not wrong to think of the sick woman lying in the bed rather than the healthy man causing the scene, and I won't say I'm sorry for trying to stop it rather than participating.  Apology without change is meaningless, and given the same set of circumstances I would act in the same way. 

He takes the position that my mother wasn't dying and I knew it so the excuse that I was worried about her and what the two of them screaming at one another would do to her won't wash.  What is REALLY true is that nothing and no one is as important to me as she is, not even my own children, and I am willing to sacrifice anything and everything to her, when the person I SHOULD have committed to was him and what I should have done was defend and support him.  He cannot forgive me for my betrayal, when I turned my back on him and my children and walked away to go to her.

I knew, when I stayed and took care of her instead of driving back with him, that I was ending our relationship.  I knew what he wanted me to do.  I couldn't do it.  I wouldn't do it.  I had hoped and prayed he was big enough to understand why.  Apparently he isn't.

There is some history that supports this belief that she is more important than he is.  I won't go into it here, but suffice to say that I saw him as a damaged man and I didn't trust his judgment and I wasn't discreet enough.  I didn't hide the times I asked her advice, and he has resented it for years.  He tells me I won't do anything he recommends unless she agrees with him.  Not quite true, but close.  I can see where that sent a message of unimportance and irrelevance.  I do understand that I also had a share in killing our relationship. 

But now I have a horrible fear.  What if the relationship isn't dead for him?
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #61 - Apr 14th, 2008 at 10:21pm
 
I tried curling my hair last night.  Actually I put it in braids.  I washed it and braided when it was almost dry.  Put the ends in rollers, put the rollers on top of my head, and slept in a satin cap.  Now normally doing this would result in a cloud of curls or waves that would be a slight bend on the ends in an hour.  (My hair is STRAIGHT.)  But this time I used a styling mousse.

It worked!

Too well!

I had a big poufy cloud that made me look like Diana Ross if she'd been bleached, only not that good.  So I pulled it back in a clip.

Big mistake!

In my desperation to save something of the style, I forgot that if I simply pull my hair back in a ponytail I will have a mat at the nape of my neck that my persian would be proud of.  Ooh wee!  Me and my friend the detangle spray had some intimate moments when I got home this afternoon.  I lost a good amount to breakage anyway.

It was just another sucky part of a truly sucky day.  It started when I made the mistake of asking my husband what he was so angry about this morning.  

I know you guys have said leave him, and I plan to.  We have been staying together because it is difficult to rent an apt. for two months, and that is all we have left of the school year.  We are both teachers, and finishing the year means a summer paycheck.  Not finishing...not, and you have the problem of not finishing the year.  Doesn't really recommend you to the next district.

Anyway, my daughter's birthday is on Tuesday the 22nd.  Two weeks ago we went to Dallas and my in-laws took her shopping for her b-day, but did not include me.  I didn't particularly mind and didn't really think about it.  

So my mother asked if we could visit her next weekend, and we would do somelthing for my daughter's birthday.  She actually said we could come either last weekend or this weekend, and I chose this weekend.  I told my husband this on Thursday or Friday of last week.  On Sunday he says, "I don't appreciate you excluding me from her birthday."  Her birthday is on Tuesday.  We had no plans for the weekend before her birthday.  We had discussed the fact that we didn't know what we were doing for her birthday.   We don't have a tradition of doing something together the weekend before a birthday.  But according to him, it should have been a no-brainer that we NOT go anywhere without him the weekend before her birthday, and that I should have ASKED rather than told him what I planned.

It became this huge thing, and he told me why the in-laws didn't want me along (apparently my taste can't be trusted among other things) and...I won't go into all of it.  I just need a sanity check.  

The only difference I see between what his mother planned and what my mother plans is that one occured three weekends before her birthday and one occurs the weekend before.  Is there something I'm missing?

This afternoon he said to me, "I thought we had worked it out and her birthday was on Friday."  I said, "No, it's on Tuesday."  Now if he thought it was on Friday I understand the reaction.  But when he found out it wasn't, did he apologize?

Of course not.  

The TAKS test is two weeks away, and it is becoming increasingly obvious that my students are not going to do well.  So I suck as a teacher.

We've already established I spent the morning, and later the afternoon, being told how I suck as a parent and a wife.

This afternoon I found out I screwed up on my bill payer system and paid the wrong electric company.  $89 to get it turned back on tonight, and $300 security deposit due on the next bill.  When the other company sends my refund check, I am going to photocopy it and turn it in with a letter of explanation.  Maybe they will waive the deposit.  I don't think so, but I lose nothing by asking.  So I suck as our money manager.  

I missed an important meeting, where I would have appeared in an administrator capacity, dealing with the electricity, so there isn't a single aspect of my job, teaching OR administration, that I DON'T suck at.  

And on top of everything else it was a BAD HAIR DAY!  We are talking some major hooveration here.

Mom says that means something really nice is coming my way.
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« Last Edit: Apr 15th, 2008 at 1:43am by texian.traveler »  

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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #62 - Apr 15th, 2008 at 1:34am
 
I am sane.  I have to cling to that.  I read on the internet about crazy making, about verbal abuse, emotional blackmail, borderline personality disorder, and so much of it speaks to me!  I am sane.  I am not crazy.  He tells me I'm selfish.  He tells me I'm a bad parent.  He tells me I'm incapable of emotional committment.  He tells me ...Oh!  The things he tells me.  So much that you have to wonder what kind of saint, or martyr, he had to be to put up with me.  But he doesn't tell me all the time.  Oh no.  And he makes it sound so reasonable, so possible.  He admits he has problems.  But haven't I contributed to them? he says.  

But larded in among the oh, so reasonableness is pure BS.  I'm the one who tried to seperate him from his family?  I'm the one who's insisted on his maintaining a relationship.  I know that.  I remember that.  I cling to that memory as proof that for some reason he needs me to be evil.  I guess if I am evil he is good?  A victim?  A martyr?  But as he threw it up to me how I have downgraded him and his family and rejected them all, I clung to those memories.  Here's the most recent.

When his neice was expecting her baby I wasn't invited to the shower.  I knew it was a payback for boycotting her wedding, and I accepted it.  He was furious; he said because in slighting me they slighted our daughter.  He refused to acknowledge the baby's birth, and swore he would never acknowledge it existed.  I had to insist we visit, and bring a gift when we did so.  He has a relationship with his sister now because I did that.  So the stuff about my rejecting and seperating...?  I have yet to refuse to visit his mother.  He quit visiting mine more than eight years ago.

He lies to me.  He tells me he wants things, but when they don't work out tells me he never wanted them, he was just catering to my selfishness.  I am not crazy.  He lies.  He lies, and he restructures the past, and he makes things so I am the one at fault, and he says things he doesn't even mean just because he's angry and he knows they'll hurt.  He lies, and then blames me for not loving him enough to see past them, because clearly if I loved him ENOUGH then I would realize he was giving me what I wanted and would know telling me it's what he wants too is a lie which I can't see because I don't love him enough but any person capable of committment would...

So I have to cling to the idea that if some of it is BS, all of it is BS.  But it is hard.  Especially on a day like today, when everything goes wrong.  The problem is I don't know who I am anymore.  Am I the horrible, screaming person I was today, or was that because of the almost intolerable stress I live under?  Who am I when I'm not walking a tightrope through eggshells?  How much of me is real, and how much his creation?  I can't remember who I used to be, and to say the bad parts of me are because of him is too easy.  When he is gone, will I still be unstable?  

As I remember my childhood, and think about my behaviors then, I am ashamed to admit that the explosive temper has been with me my entire life.  I leash it, but at times like this, when I am under constant stress, it gets away from me.  So clearly I have to gain some anger management.  But oddly enough, my anger is not a problem he complains about.  Either it isn't that big of a problem, or my having the same problem he does gives him permission to have it.  That's probably it.

But I will say it again, because I need to hear it.  I am sane.  When I can read a checklist of the behaviors of emotional blackmail, or verbal abuse, or crazy making, or borderline personality disorder, and go..."That's it!  That's my life!", then I am not the crazy one.  And when he tells me that even after getting therapy while being seperated this summer he doesn't see us getting back together, I can think "Thank goodness."

I asked him what he wanted me to do.  He said that we had talked about doing something for our daughter's birthday.  Okay, we had.  In just those vague of terms, doing something for her birthday.  Nothing about what.  Nothing about when.  My mother said if it was going to be a problem we could cancel, because my daughter probably wouldn't have a good time.  I told her it was too late.  I had already committed the crime by not putting him first.  She said, "You're seperating.  Why should you consider him first?"  My thoughts exactly.

He's been very clear he's leaving at the end of the school year.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  Beg him not to go?  Say I'll change?  He keeps saying that I want to be the victim, the only one who suffered in the relationship.  If the relationship is ending, why does that matter?  We can each trot off with whatever lies we need to tell ourselves, and we'll only have a problem if we try to have another relationship.  I am so confused.  He talks about saving the marriage in one breath, and tells me he's leaving in the other.

He told me to quit sending him mixed signals.  I told him tonight that every time I feel myself softening, every time I think we might have a chance, I harden my heart and steel myself from letting him know, because I know that a day like today is coming.  And it always does.

I am not crazy.  I am not crazy.  I am not crazy.  

I am capable.  I am wonderful.  I am valuable.  

I am not evil.  I am human.  I am fallible.  

I am not perfect.  I am forgiven.  

And I am not crazy.

I'm not.


 
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #63 - Apr 15th, 2008 at 10:22am
 
...  No you are not crazy!
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #64 - Apr 15th, 2008 at 5:21pm
 
Tex, hon, the only crazy thing about you is that you've put up with this bs for so long.

Your husband plays the victim and makes everything wrong with his life/family out to be your fault. You're using your own memories as proof against him. His parents are accusing you of personality flaws that you don't have...

Honey.

This is a dark and miserable place to be. In fact, it doesn't get much lower than where you are right now. I know because I have been there. Your husband sounds quite a bit like my ex. Yes, I said EX. And reasons like the above are exactly why.

No woman has to put up with this kind of $#&%. It just sucks that it takes us so long to figure that out.

Forget about being capeable, wonderful, forgiven, etc.
You are your own person. That's what matters.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #65 - Apr 16th, 2008 at 1:00am
 
Ladies, Thank you so much for your support.  It really makes a difference that objective outsiders can confirm what my heart tells me. 

You know, when I was younger I read and heard about beautiful, intelligent, capable women who ended up tolerating the worst kinds of men.  I never thought I would be one...

Today was so much better, although he still was an *@%.  He called me up, DURING CLASS.  I am figuring this is some sort of emergency.  So I excused myself to my students and called him back.  He said, "Why have you locked me out of the checking account?"  I hadn't.  When the bank redid the web system a while ago, they had you create security questions for when you log in from an unusual computer.  Since he almost never logs in to the bank, it didn't recognize his computer.  He should have known the answer to the question, since it was what high school did we live behind the year we got married.  Not phrased exactly like that, but I'm not going to post the security question for everyone to see on the internet!  Even if no one does know my real name.

Anyway, I tell him the answer and he says we'll talk later.  When we do, I tell him I have a problem with him automatically assuming I was sabotaging him.  He told me that I should have rememberedl his dyslexia makes him read words like "lived" as "left", which was why he didn't get the question and he had called me after spending nearly his whole lunch period putting in every school I had ever attended (left) and I'm thinking "the year we got married wasn't a clue?" and all the while I am reading this conversation on a website I found that I THINK is called "You are not crazy."  

This woman tape-recorded a conversation with her abuser and he was so confident that SHE was the one with the problem that he gave her permission, believing he was establishing the evidence.  A transcription of the conversation was on the website and you could click a button and it would label the various abuses as they occured, blaming, crazymaking, diverting, etc.  I was kind of scared to download it.  I was both afraid I wouldn't recognize the behaviors and afraid I would.  But I clicked on it.

Anyway I am reading this and listening to my husband and they are the SAME CONVERSATION.  I mean, not word for word obviously but the patterns are there and the ones that aren't in the conversation I am currently having (actually the diatribe I was listening to) I have heard before.  Most of them.  Some were a little more extreme than we have ever gotten but I am recognizing the pattern and I realize we have been dealing with each other like this for years.  And all I could think was, "My God, what have I done?"  I chose this man as the father of my children, and no matter how soon or late I get rid of him, this is the man they have to deal with as their father for the REST OF THEIR LIVES, and I have condemned them to this.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #66 - Apr 16th, 2008 at 9:08am
 
We cannot change our actions of the past; it's impossible.  All we can do is start anew EACH DAY and move forward from here.  Stop beating yourself up.  Start making plans for the near future, when you finally leave this man.
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Reply #67 - Apr 18th, 2008 at 10:39pm
 
And the drama continues!  I had an episode of vertigo about two weeks ago.  Last week I started having problems pretty constantly.  I tried calling in a sub today but the job didn't fill so I went in.  Another mistake.

Coming back from lunch another teacher commented that I was weaving.  About twenty minutes into my class the dizziness got so bad they had to send me home.  So embarrassing!  Especially since the episodes came and went, and when they were gone I was fine. 

I am 90% sure they are allergy related, but I am going to the doctor on Monday.  And the TAKS test is one week away!

My dad has been writing and demanding a key to his house.  I ignored the first letter, especially since I had gotten a notice they were repossessing the house for taxes.  But he sent me another one.  So I called him.

He was very upset about the taxes, and I told him that I saw the house as an impediment to him living his life, and I wanted it gone so he could have a better life, that that house was not his life.  He agreed the house wasn't his life, but then said something like, "Well, I need to let you go since you won't do anything to help me."  I said, "If the only conversation we can have is about the house and what I will do to help you get it back, then you're right, we have nothing to talk about."  Then I said,"And I'm really sorry about that." 

He backed off a bit, but he still wouldn't, couldn't, talk about anything else.  So I told him that if he was going to try and do anything himself I needed to let him go to do it, and we hung up.

And I laid on the bed and sobbed, because I feel trapped between these two dysfunctional men who use such similar tactics and I prayed to God for strength and I also prayed that somehow, someway, my daughter not marry a man just like her father, as I did, so that one day she finds herself with no one and nothing. 

And the thing I wanted most in the world was just for someone to hold me, some sort of physical contact, and my husband just sat and typed on his computer.  Now it turns out what he was doing was researching the tax situation online, so he was being supportive in a way, but I don't really see how I could have expected anything else. 

We are seperating; we've been very clear we are just cohabiting, why should I blame him, or even expect him, to be emotionally supportive, and consider what the woman who is rejecting him, who has said she doesn't love him, needs?  I can't.

But it still hurt.
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Reply #68 - May 16th, 2008 at 1:04am
 
I know I should rename this Tex's endless whining, but seriously, so much yucky stuff is happening that if I don't put it somewhere I will EXPLODE!  

I took the job at my current school because I really liked the principal and wanted to work with him.  Now, I have to admit the guy DEFINITELY lacks some skills as a principal, a fact that became more and more obvious as the year went on.  However, he was also SET UP to fail.  There was outright sabotage, some by his staff, more by the central office staff.  

I have been trying to get out of the classroom and into administration since 2002.  In 2003 two jobs came open on my then current campus.  I was not hired for either, and had to watch one administrator bumble around when I UNQUESTIONABLY had greater skills.  I stuck it out one more year and then went overseas.

December 2006 the secondary principal of that school was demoted, and I had good reason to expect I would be placed in the position.  No dice.

February 2007 the elementary principal resigned for the next school year and I was slated to replace her.

April 2007 we had to leave the school and the country.  Bye, bye principalship.

October 2007 the principal of my school tells me an AP might be leaving and he wants me to replace her.

December 2007 she is demoted and they choose not to fill her position.

February 2008 my principal tells me he is getting an instructional specialist position the next year and he wants it to be me.

Today my principal is fired.

I am so angry for so many reasons.

Not the least of which is that, again, I have to watch a position that I virtually held in my hands...vanish.

Why does my life remind me of potato chips?

Seriously.

As I ranted and raged at God, I kept thinking of potato chips.  Is it because they are so easily crushed, and that is how I feel?  

I don't know.
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Reply #69 - May 19th, 2008 at 9:42am
 
I'm sorry your career path has had so many stumbles in it.  It sounds like the school board/administration who does the hiring is not able to clearly identify the right kind of person for the principal's position.  That can be a major stumbling block to anyone trying to hold down that position.  A setup for failure is a horrible position to be in.

Good luck and I hope something works out for you.
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Reply #70 - May 24th, 2008 at 5:56am
 
Finally an entry that isn't whining!  

I am having trouble sleeping because I am just so high from the news I got today.  Our TAKS results came in.  For you non-teaching non-Texans, that's what we call our state standardized accountability test.  My guys scored 90%!  One of the highest scores in the history of the school!  90% puts you in the top category.  If all subjects do that you are called exemplary and you get to put a banner on your school.  There is also funding that goes to exemplary schools that doesn't to others.

Now my schoool will not be exemplary, nor recognized.  The 6th grade Math scores were at 46%, and you have to get 50% to be even acceptable.  But you get to average the scores between the grade levels.  Like in my department, 8th grade scored 84% and I scored 90%, so the fact that the 7th scored 67% (acceptable is 70% in Reading) doesn't matter.  However we had a LOT of upset in 7th grade, and basically the students got only a half year of instruction.  I told the teacher that 67% in half a year wasn't bad at all.

Anyway, the math scores of the other grade levels weren't that high.  8th grade is a Student Success Initiative grade, which means if the student doesn't pass TAKS s/he doesn't advance to the next grade level.  Because the test is so important, they get two tries.  Our 8th grade got 44% on their first try.  We don't have the results of the retake yet.  I don't remember 7th grades results, but they weren't high enough that we KNOW they will compensate for the other two.

Now you teaching Texans will be saying, okay, that's good but nothing really to get high about.  Here's what makes this victory so very sweet.

My campus is 99% minority, 95% economically disadvantaged, with one of the highest rates of students with incarcerated parents and teen pregnancy in the state.  In addition, you always have some grades that are rougher than others.  I have been told by more than one teacher at that school that it doesn't GET rougher than this year's sixth grade.  And I got THOSE KIDS to pass the TAKS at 90%.

I tried to become an administrator before I went overseas.  When I figured out no one was going to make a music teacher, which I was at the time, an administrator because music isn't a TAKS subject I got an additional endorsement and tried to become a Reading teacher.  I had MULTIPLE interviews where I was told, "You're a music teacher.  What do you know about teaching kids how to read?"  Apparently, A HECK OF A LOT!    

This also was sweet.  The 6th grade writing teacher is in her second year of teaching.  She told me that the way she and I taught this year was COMPLETELY different from the way she and Ms. Davis taught last year.  She said last year they drilled and drilled and drilled and everything was TAKS strategies from the word go.  And she said, with a note of wonder in her voice, "This year, we just taught."  Again, non-teaching non-Texans won't understand, but you have a significant number of teachers tell you they can't do fun, interesting lessons because they have to focus on TAKS.  Hah!

I am vindicated on SOOOO many levels!

And though it is petty and small of me, I am glad because of this too.  I applied for an assistant principal job at my school.  Ms. Davis was hired instead of me.  I understood why.  She was a known element who achieved an 88% pass rate last year.  I was an unknown.  But it rankled because I was fully certified and Ms. Davis was not, and according to state law the certified candidate gets hired over the non.  So the district broke the law to hire her.  I could have fought it, but that's the kind of battle you lose even if you win.  

Unfortunately Ms. Davis, in addition to being a very capable teacher, was also bi-polar, and like many bi-polars she did not take her medication consistently.  As one teacher put it, "You never know who is going to show up for work, the nice Ms. Davis or the mean Ms. Davis."  She was demoted mid-year and the district chose not to replace her.  So I AT LEAST wanted to equal her.  And I did!

Now the scores may drop, because there is some adjusting that needs to be done.  There is something called a "snapshot" day.  Whatever students are on your campus on snapshot day get credited to you.  Students who aren't don't.  For example I had a student who arrived literally THE DAY BEFORE THE TEST.  She passed, but unquestionably that was not due to anything I did.  So she will be taken out of my 90%.  Other students who were there and have gone to other schools, like the three girls who were smart as whips but couldn't keep their hands out of teachers' purses so they are now in alternative school, will be credited to me.  But if any of them failed TAKS, it was from spite.

So now, when I go for job interviews, I have the proof of what I did.  But of course they are going to want to know how I did it, so I can show everyone else.  I am trying to think about that.  I haven't come up with any hard and fast conclusions except for this.  Honest to God, it was beleiving they could do it, and telling them so.  
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Reply #71 - May 27th, 2008 at 4:01pm
 
Congratulations on the good results.  I'm sure your students appreciate it as well!
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Reply #72 - May 29th, 2008 at 10:39pm
 
How, how, HOW did I manage to wash my son's cell phone...AGAIN?!
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #73 - May 30th, 2008 at 9:32am
 
LOL!!  Probably the same way I keep washing hubby's pocket knife - over, and over and over..... 

At least the knife doesn't have any sensitive electronics!! Grin
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Reply #74 - Jun 3rd, 2008 at 5:55am
 
Grrrrr!  I spent 45 min. on a post, then when I went to post it lost my internet connection and the post!  Oh well, I guess it wasn't meant to be read. 

I was helping my unconscious mind process.  It gave me such a weird dream, and when I couldn't go back to sleep I figured it was asking for help.  Typing helped me process, a bit.  The only conclusion I have come to is that I have to talk to my husband about his intentions this summer. 

And that my subconscious wants me to leave him.
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