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L'Etoile Perdue by William Bouguereau







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Texian's Travels (Read 88581 times)
TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #105 - Sep 9th, 2010 at 5:27pm
 
I can't do it.

I found out today I'm teaching the wrong thing.

I haven't sent out something I should have sent two weeks ago.

I'm not modifying for SPED students.

I have no grades and they are due Monday. 

I'm supposed to be at a meeting right now.

Why, oh why, did I ever think I was any good at this?

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TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #106 - Sep 12th, 2010 at 8:55pm
 
Hate.

I have so much hate.

I have worked all weekend grading papers and realizing that I have taught my students nothing.

And all I feel is hate.

Toward myself for failing them.  Toward myself for not being able to do anything else.  Toward life for keeping me where I am doing what I am doing. 

Hate.

My constant companion.
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TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #107 - Sep 12th, 2010 at 9:31pm
 
How do I hate thee?

Let me count the ways.

I hate thee with every beat of the heart you betrayed.
I hate thee as I pick up every piece of the self-confidence you shattered.
Your selfishness broke my dreams.
As I breathe in I hate thee, and as my breath leaves my body my hate does not.

It clings; it festers.  It coats my insides like tar on a sea bird.  I gaze inward to a shriveled, blackened soul, and I desire nothing more than to be clean.  How can I free myself from you?

You sail free, unfettered, dropping your poison on unsuspecting fools who know no better than to stand, mouths open, mistaking fertilizer for food.

If you could be crushed...if I knew others could be safe...No, I lie.

I want to be safe.  I want to know you can never again harm me.

Love my enemy?

Love is dangerous.

Love, or forgiveness, means you can hurt me.  Love means risk.

Extend my neck so you can guillotine it?  Lend a hand so you can chop it off?  Never again.

Blackened, shriveled, poisoned and deformed I and my hate may be but we are as we choose.  You choose to harm, but I choose to hate. 

I can't choose where I work.  I can't choose what I do.  I can't choose whether I will receive recognition for what I do.  But I am completely free to choose my emotions.

My internal landscape is completely my own.  And I choose to hate you. 

Should I never be released from your presence, before I cease to draw breath, I will but hate you more after death.
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melusine
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #108 - Sep 13th, 2010 at 12:06am
 
Texian, I am very worried about your postings.  Having suffered from depression myself and remembering how I felt, I wonder if you are in a deep depression.  Please find someone to help you, as I did.  It is only an imbalance in brain chemicals, and the proper medication will help you feel much better about your self and your life.

Please let me know that you are seeking help.
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melusine
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #109 - Sep 27th, 2010 at 5:56pm
 
Texian, are you ok?  We haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks.
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TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #110 - Sep 28th, 2010 at 4:55pm
 
Thank you guys for being concerned.  I knew better than to read the posts at work, but thank God I wore my crying mascara.  I usually do, just to be on the safe side.

I know I am depressed.  I have been on medication once, when all the world was going to hell (divorce, father dying, foot surgery...all in the same month) but the last time I tried that medication it made me throw up.

And I don't want medication to be the answer.   Because medication means acceptance.

I refuse to accept.

I refuse to accept that I deserve the things that happen to me.  The world seems to be telling me that I don't have value or ability.  When a school that everyone says "Are you sure you want to work THERE?" won't hire you, you must really be trash.  I will not accept that, nor will I medicate myself into acceptance.

I am beautiful, talented, and truly gifted at administration. 

I don't deserve having the job I want and that I am truly good at within my grasp three times, each time having it snatched away.

I don't deserve having to wait six years for something that I have turned my life upside-down to get.  For which I have sacrified money and time and relationships.

I don't deserve having to choose between buying batteries for the smoke alarm and buying food. 

I am the one nobody hires.  After six years it has become my identity. 

I don't deserve it.

And I will not accept it.
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« Last Edit: Sep 28th, 2010 at 6:04pm by TexianTraveler »  
 
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melusine
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #111 - Sep 29th, 2010 at 11:21pm
 
If you don't prescription medications, you can try St. John's Wort.  I take it every day, as well as Omega 3 (the Inuit have no incidence of depression despite month-long nights), and Black Cohosh (good for women's mood changes).  I am doing very well now.
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TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #112 - Oct 5th, 2010 at 3:29pm
 
I got a call out of the blue for a job I applied for a month ago.  I had given up on it. 

I thought this might be it.

I thought the interview I went on last week was prep for this one.  (It was.)  I thought that I would learn from all the mistakes I made then and not make them.  (I did.)

I thought that the reason I didn't get the other job was because this one, that I wanted more, was waiting for me.

I went to the interview and it was great.  One of the best I've ever had.  I asked them what the ideal qualities for the job would be and they said all the answers to their questions were the right ones.  (Not quite what I asked but okay.)  I even wrote thank-you notes out in the car and took them in after.

They haven't called to check my references.

And when I called today and asked their timeline they said they had a week's worth of paperwork to do.

You don't have to do paperwork to offer the job.  You have to do paperwork to hire.

This is like being tortured.  The jobs appear and I apply and I get called and I think "I'm out of here!" and then I don't get them.  It so resembles when I was pregnant with my son.

I would sleep for an hour and a half.  I would get up and go to the bathroom and then the contractions would start.  I would endure four - six hours of excruciating pain until they stopped.  I would then sleep for another hour and a half and then my daughter would be ready to start her day.

I went nuts.  If I had been a man, the experience would have been called
Torture
instead of the discomfort of late pregnancy.  The worst part of the experience was each night thinking that this was the end, that I would deliver and it would all stop.  But night after night it never did.

It took all my energy to hide how crazy I was from my daughter and family.  I wasn't successful in hiding it from my husband, and I didn't really try.  I trusted him.  When we divorced, he betrayed that trust by telling me the kids weren't safe with me (13 years later) because of the way I acted during that experience.

This is like that.  Each interview I think it will be over, that my problems will be solved, and each time they never are.  Unlike a pregnancy, however, this doesn't have an end in sight.  Even though I felt like I was in hell and that the pain and torture would never end and I had been pregnant forever and would be pregnant forever, part of me knew that eventually I would deliver the baby. 

But this?  This could go on until the day I die.

I understand they need a man for the job.  If they had a man apply, even if he wasn't as good, they should have hired him.

When you are dealing with a school full of troubled boys and girls you do not need an all-female administrative team.  Especially when the students are older.

I don't know if that's why I didn't get it.  I don't actually know, officially, that I didn't.  But the tone of the principal's voice wasn't right for someone who got it.

I am so tired of trying and failing.  I am so tired of teaching, which I don't want to do.  I am so tired of not being able to afford a movie, or a dinner out, or treats for my students.

I want to be able to look in my refrigerator and know that I can eat what I want and there will be enough money to replace the food that is there.

I don't want to wonder if I print a paper if I am trading food for the ink.

But most of all, I want to be the best I what I do.  And I will never be the best as long as my heart is longing for something else.
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TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #113 - Oct 10th, 2010 at 7:53pm
 
The Pennebaker Method.

I just read about it.  (I'm supposed to be doing school work.)

But I can't focus. 

There seems to be a veil between me and the world.

Sounds don't make sense. 

I mean, I hear them, and I understand them, but I don't see any point.

Music?

Laughter?

Those are habits.

I looked at people in Wal-Mart today, as I was waiting for the tire I couldn't afford to buy to be installed, and I couldn't figure out why they were there.

Life really does seem like that Claritin commercial, when there is a film over the world.

Only I don't know how to lift it away.

Were those people happy?  How?  Why?  They smile, they buy food, they raise their children, but why?

So they can fail them?

So they can fail themselves?

Or am I the only one?

Which is worse?

To be alone in failure, or to have company?

I can't lie and pretend I wanted the new job for my daughter. 

I wouldn't have been trying for six years if that were true.

But what is true is that I became so desperate this year in part because of her.

She is a senior, and she has never had a car.  I can't give her one.  She will never experience the freedom and independence I had because with having to take Karate for PE outside of school and having to visit her dad every other weekend she can't get a job. 

If she had a car she would have more independence and flexibility.  Maybe she could somehow find a job that would fit in to her crazy schedule if her crazy schedule didn't have to mesh with mine.  But it does.

So she is left with spending her days in isolation, and I can't make it any better or any different.

And I wanted to, so much. 

I have watched her trade her life for a relationship with her dad, and I wanted, somehow, to be enough so she wouldn't have to.

But I'm not.

I don't have enough value.  No one wants me enough.

And I WILL NOT make a decision that depends on him.

If I could depend on him I'd still be married to him.

I can't even depend on him enough to put food on the table. 

I failed her.  I know she doesn't care but that's because she doesn't know what she is missing.  But I do. 

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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #114 - Oct 10th, 2010 at 8:09pm
 
Okay, that was a pile of incoherent crap, but the truth is there among the poop.

Speaking of which, I went to a party last night and someone put dye in the cake icing which has resulted in deep green feces, and let me tell you that if that one don't freak ya out and all I can say it I hope the *%^@ stuff comes out of my underwear...

To state things more coherently...
I feel like our daughter has been failed by her father, who has spent the last two years without employment or the ability to truly support her.  (As of this moment, the man owes me over $8,300.)  I just muddled along the last two years but this year I really, really wanted to get a promotion so I could buy her a car.  I will not do anything that relies on his contribution because he is so unreliable, so I tried to get a job that would be equal to his contribution but only relied on me.  In essence, I tried to be both mother and father in a financial sense.  Failure not only meant I could not provide the luxury of a vehicle, but that I could also not provide the basics of food, clothing, and shelter at the level I had been, since my demotion resulted in a loss of $300 per month and his lack of employment meant I also did not get his contribution of $530 a month.  (We have been divorced for sixteen months, and I have gotten child support for eight.  I have never gotten the health insurance though.)

I have watched my daughter choose between having a social life and having a relationship with her dad.  I thought a car would ease that choice.  I thought it would be a necessary step toward independence.  By not getting the job, I feel I have failed her.  She remains trapped, and so do I.
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TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #115 - Oct 10th, 2010 at 8:30pm
 
I was rereading old posts and something struck me.  I had asked, "When he is gone will I still be unstable?"  Oh God, the answer is yes.
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TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #116 - Oct 11th, 2010 at 3:52pm
 
I wrote this down on a paper, but I really need to get rid of the paper since it will be too dangerous if it falls into the wrong hands.


Trust


Teachers don't trust each other to implement changes.

Teachers don't trust the district to support them.

Teachers don't trust the principal to support them.  (Ie:  what I teach now I will continue to teach.  If I am deficient I will be supported, not disciplined or removed.)

More and more, the adversarial relationship between teachers and administration becomes evident.

Do your job.  How many times have I heard "Just do your job."  Here is my answer.

Do your job?  Yes, with these conditions.  Do your job without support or direction, with the understanding that improvement is solely your responsibility and only deficiencies will be recognized.

Okay, now I can throw that paper away.
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TexianTraveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #117 - Oct 19th, 2010 at 2:52pm
 
I understand now why I have never gotten an administrative position.  It is because I suck.

Anybody know of a job for an ex-teacher that pays around $45,000 a year?
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