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L'Etoile Perdue by William Bouguereau







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Texian's Travels (Read 100587 times)
Angel Spun
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #30 - Sep 16th, 2007 at 5:12pm
 
Quote:
The desire to overcome and get better MUST come from within that person.  Perhaps there are some who can do it by themselves.  You may be right.  But I know that this man cannot.

You have to do it by yourself. Ain't nobody else gonna do it for ya. This guy needs to figure that out...however, if he's anything like my former husband (key word: former), he probably won't.

One thing that I forgot to mention was that I also don't blame you for not wanting to be around someone who would even think about poisoning your cats. When I was 19, I moved out from under my parents' roof before I was financially ready because my father had "joked" on more than one occasion about killing my cat. To the point where I was afraid of going to school or work and leaving her alone in the house, knowing that my dad might be there too...God knows what would happen then. Now, whether he was joking or not wasn't the issue. It was the fact that he'd said and thought it in the first place. I made sure he knew that it was completely unacceptable...and I packed up my belongings and my cat and left. Absolutely no regrets about it either, because my cat lived out the rest of her days without anyone threatening to harm her.
    Also, the last guy that I was involved with was in the habit of making snide little comments in jest. And even though he didn't mean them, the fact that he thought and said them at all was what bothered me. To know that his mind went there in the first place, you know? Absolutely no regrets about letting him go either. Nobody needs that $#&%.  Tongue

Don't worry about venting - we all do it here from time to time because sometimes you just have to, and you have the reassurance that there are people here who might listen. Also, what happens here stays here, so you won't have to worry about your rants getting back to the people in question.  Wink
    But remember that you're never truly alone. You have your mother, your children, your friends and probably a few others in your corner. And whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, you also have God. I'm not trying to be preachy or anything, just stating a fact. But moreover, chica, you have to rely on yourself. Even if everyone else on Earth abandons you, you have to be there for you. Be strong, dearie.
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juri
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #31 - Sep 18th, 2007 at 6:07am
 
I also definitely do NOT think you are a failure. I wish I had words of advice for you, but unfortunately I don't. All I can say is that you are an extremely strong person and you should feel free to vent all you want here. You will be in my thoughts.

((((texian.traveler))))
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Trisha
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #32 - Sep 18th, 2007 at 2:04pm
 
You are not a failure simply because you're looking out for the health and welfare of yourself and your children.   Sounds like separation would be the best thing.  *hugs* 
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #33 - Sep 18th, 2007 at 5:00pm
 
The internet is an interesting place.  Since we typically don't see each other face-to-face, it makes it easier to vent our frustrations here in a somewhat anonymous environment.  This group in particular is very warm, comforting and understanding of personal issues. If the venting helps, then go ahead and vent - we are here to support you in this difficult time.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #34 - Sep 24th, 2007 at 6:58am
 
As an update, I have my kitties!  The therapist we saw told my husband to let me deal with my cousin.  I told him the whole story, and said I would talk to my kids about whether they even wanted the cats anymore.

We all agreed that the joy of having them back was kind of gone, so I told him he could keep them.  But he told me that he thought we needed them as a rallying point.  So I met him in Hillsboro, which is about halfway between our houses, and got them.

The kids were overjoyed!  We agreed that we all feel...completed, somehow. 

Of course my husband says "He talked to his lawyer, and found out he was wrong."  Actually I had talked to a lawyer, and the situation was more iffy than I had thought.  But of course, the ... person...I married has to be a victim, and his victimizer must be evil.  So it can't possibly be that this was a good man with a false impression who had mercy.  Oh no.  And it CERTAINLY can't be that I was right, and listening to other people's side and then telling them yours is better than threats and force and bluster.  No, it has to be that he was right and what he did worked and my cousin just needed time to realize it. 

Just like my stepfather can't be a weak man who let his fear and dislike of my husband get away from him.  Now I am not justifying what he did; it was uncalled for and wrong, even if it had taken place only in front of my husband.  But as a partial explanation, pretty much all of my family dislikes my husband because of how he treats me and the children. 

My stepfather believed he lets me shoulder far too much, and he spent a month watching how I was the one who put the kids in school and talked with them and looked for work and functioned while my husband stayed in the bedroom on his computer.  Now partially my husband stayed in the bedroom because my stepfather dislikes him and the feeling is mutual.  But he was NOT looking for work in there.  He did not seriously look for a job until late July.  He did not complete even one application until mid-June.  (We returned April 31st.)  As soon as he did, he got a job and as soon as he got a job I got a job.  So I think my stepfather's accusation was motivated, in part, by the fact that I rely on my mother, because I cannot rely on the man I married. 

But my husband believes he is evil and the source of all his problems now.  We unloaded the last of our storage facility this weekend, and everytime we found something broken it was "A. did that."  Our difficulty with my cousin?  A.'s fault.   I finally said, "A. is not Satan!  He doesn't have that kind of power."  My husband said, "Satan has no power."  I said, "He has the power you give him."   

But enough of that.  I have to get ready for work.  I might type more later.  In the meantime, rejoice with me.  I have my cats back!
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #35 - Sep 24th, 2007 at 12:51pm
 
Yay-rah for kitties!!   Cheesy
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pjsander  
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Angel Spun
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #36 - Sep 24th, 2007 at 6:50pm
 
Yay for the cats. Boo for the men in your life.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #37 - Sep 25th, 2007 at 5:23am
 
I think I have to second what Angel Spun said. But it's GREAT you have your cats back!! It's funny (in a good way) how pets can make such a difference in our lives.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #38 - Sep 26th, 2007 at 7:04am
 
I understand why my husband thinks I am unstable.  Yesterday we went to the therapist.  He spoke with my husband first, and spent very little time with me.  He told me we both, but especially my husband, have been through so much it is like we are suffering from post-traumatic-stress disorder.  I had never thought about that.

So he asks me how its going and I said awful.  My husband doesn't talk to me.  He said he didn't need to talk right now.  I said, "No, not even good morning!"  I can always tell when my husband is upset by the way he breathes, and he breathes like that ALL THE TIME. 

So the therapist told me that in the environment where my husband grew up, anger was punished, so he learned to repress it.  But you can only repress anger so long before it explodes.  He said I am the opposite.  True.  My emotions are OUT THERE.  When I have them, they are very strong.  But then they go away.  So I can be furiously angry one minute, and happy the next.  My son is the same way.  My husband thinks we both are bipolar.

Anyway, the therapist said that my husband uses my emotions as a catharsis, a way of releasing his own.  But sometimes my emotions are too much, and right now they are too much. 

I told him the only place I felt normal was work.  He asked how was work.  I said, "Oh God."

I found out yesterday that I am in one of the toughest schools in the state, and you guys know Texas ain't small!  We have the highest rate of teen pregnancy for a middle school (6TH - 8TH), and the highest rate of children with incarcerated parents.  When I said this, both the therapist and I began laughing.  I mean, you have to laugh sometimes.

To top it off, I am department head and one of my team has been gone over two weeks straight!  Someone said she is dealing with some major issues.  Honey, if she has been dealing with more issues than me those are some major issues!  My butt's been at work.

Anyway, yesterday was HORRIBLE!  The kids were awful, and I gave my first two referrals.  I battled tears all day.  I knew I was in no emotional shape to go to a faculty meeting, where we were going to discuss our issues, because we've got downtown looking at us HARD. 

Sure enough, there was drama there.  One of the faculty members got up and said she'd had enough, she was resigning, and walked out.  She is married to our principal's boss, and felt that she was being blamed for our current scrutiny.  She wasn't, but I can see where she felt it.

That did it.  I started to cry right there in the meeting.  Got it under control pretty quickly, and no one said anything, but I went up to my room and SOBBED.  And the thing that upset me the most was that I couldn't share with my husband, or get any comfort, because he can't handle my emotions right now. 

But of course he calls me while I am in the middle of all this.  I could have not answered the phone, but he had open house last night and was at school until 8:30 p.m. and he had told me in the morning that he wanted to leave early.  So I figure if I don't answer he'll be mad because I was ignoring him and God knows I don't want that.  But I won't answer again because when I talked to him I became HYSTERICAL, because no matter what I did it was the wrong thing.  Share and I am burdening him with emotions he can't handle.  Not share and I am holding out and not committed. 

Next time I'll call my mommy.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #39 - Sep 26th, 2007 at 8:16am
 
(((hugs)))  I've been to counciling with my hubby before.  It's so hard, I understand where your coming from.  I cried alot too.  Working through these problems takes time and by the grace of god they will get better. It's very hard for some men to open up, they repress alot.  I hope you find a happy meduim in your relationship and perhaps a less stressful job.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #40 - Sep 28th, 2007 at 7:04am
 
AAAARGH!

I was typing in the dark, accidentally hit escape, and lost EVERYTHING!  

GRRRRRR!

What I get for typing in the dark, I suppose.

Well, in a nutshell, I was telling you guys that I have had better days since the last one.  The children have been lovely.  I think they knew if they weren't, SOMEBODY was leaving.

The faculty member who stormed out of the meeting is in fact gone.

They moved one special ed teacher to cover her class, and another to cover the 7th grade Reading teacher, now on her third week of absence.

I heard yesterday she has checked herself back into the hospital.  

Naturally there has been a lot of resentment toward this woman, although not so much now that we know she is hospitalizing herself.  Back when we knew NOTHING, except that she was choosing not to show up, there was quite a bit.

But I said this to my team.

When someone has a medical condition, whatever it is, there is the expectation of privacy if they don't choose to share.  And whether they do or not, the administration has privacy constraints.  In addition, the person has civil rights.  You cannot fire someone simply because they are sick.  So what seems as silence and inaction on the part of the administration may not actually be silence and inaction.  I told them that downtown was aware of the situation, and that everything that COULD be done was being done.  

But of course the teachers' issue is that we are now five weeks into the school year and these students have only had true instruction for six days.  I told them I knew that sometimes all the choices are bad.  But if the district gets it wrong, and gets hit with a lawsuit, there will be a lot more children harmed than just our seventh grade.  

My mother, a former superintendent, says these situations are THE MOST difficult to deal with.  And you can see how they would be.  On the one hand, you want to support your employee, and you certainly DON'T want to punish or cause suffering for a condition they cannot help.  On the other hand, when they are not there, children suffer, and you cannot leave the kids in limbo.  I don't envy our principal.  I really don't.  

I'll tell you about the part that got deleted, which involved a 14 year old gang member repeating the sixth grade for the third time who impregnated his 13 year old seventh grade girlfriend, another time.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #41 - Oct 5th, 2007 at 7:47am
 
I deleted the post that was here.  I am done whining.  It is not fair to you guys.  If I need to process through writing I will do it in my private blog.  Thank you for all the support you have given me.
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« Last Edit: Oct 5th, 2007 at 8:51am by texian.traveler »  

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Angel Spun
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #42 - Oct 5th, 2007 at 4:44pm
 
*hugz, Tex*
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juri
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #43 - Oct 5th, 2007 at 11:07pm
 
Hugs from me as well. I hope you'll still post here, though.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #44 - Oct 7th, 2007 at 11:47pm
 
Well, since you asked... Grin

My husband and I had a disagreement after our last session.  The therapist had said I would get my time, but I didn't.  So I was upset.  Which of course upset my husband because it was just another example of my selfishness.  In our sessions, I talk and he doesn't.  When the therapist asks, "How do you feel about that?" he just waves his hand and says he doesn't know what to say.

Anyway, the therapist's take on things is that I am too emotional.  I overwhelm my husband.  I have also been selfish, and taken advantage of his giving nature.  I am sure all of that is true.  But since I didn't get my time, I haven't had a chance to talk about the unreasonable demands, the temper tantrums, the way he can sit in his chair without interacting with anyone for hours or even days. 

Like my daughter's viola lessons.  The orchestra director at my husband's school teaches viola.  He gave my husband his card.  My husband gave it to me.  I cannot find what I did with it.  Will my husband get another one, or contact the man in any way?  No.  I asked if he could get another card.  No, he never sees him.  I asked if he could e-mail him.  He doesn't know his name.  Now of course, the only thing the man would have to do is ask someone, maybe the secretary, "Who is the orchestra director?"  No.  I lost the card, therefore our daughter not having lessons is my fault, and the more time that goes on without her having them the more guilty I am.

Or this weekend.  The kids and I went to stay with my mother because my stepfather was out of town.  We had to arrive after he had gone to sleep, and my husband wanted us to leave before he returned the next evening.  I said that the kids really don't interact with him much in the evening, since they watch tv in their bedroom then, and suggested he come get us at 8:00 Sunday morning while my mom and A. were at church.  Frankly, I wanted to spend a full day, and not have to leave after spending only a few hours or stay up all night because we spent more than a few hours.  My husband agreed. 

Now this was a test on my part.  My husband is NOT a morning person, and he would have had to get up at 6:00 a.m. to get there by 8.  I figured if he was really committed to this, "My children will not be in the same room with this man until they are 18" stuff, he'd be there at 8:00.  He wasn't.  And I told my mother, and my children, that I am not going to ask anyone to hide in a bedroom or garbage like that.  We were going to behave normally.  And we did, until it was time to go. 

The procedure is that my husband calls when he is almost to the driveway, and he turns the car around so that he isn't facing the house and can't inadvertently see anyone, and my mother and her husband stay in the house while we walk outside and put our stuff in the trunk.

And according to the therapist, I am the selfish and unreasonable one.      
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