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Texian's Travels (Read 87714 times)
texian.traveler
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #90 - Aug 13th, 2008 at 8:41pm
 
I had determined that I was not going to mention visiting T unless the kids did.  When we got back from our beach vacation, my son asked "When are we going to see Daddy again?"  So I told him to call him and ask.  And T said he didn't know.

What?

Even if you are looking for jobs out of state, just make the decision to see your kids for Pete's sake.  So I told my son that it wasn't that Daddy didn't want to see him.  I said that Daddy was just so focused on finding a job he couldn't focus on anything else.  My son hasn't mentioned it again, or told me he is hurt.  I hope he isn't.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #91 - Aug 4th, 2010 at 10:34pm
 
I was starting another blog and reread this one and thought, "Wow."  There is so much I had forgotten.  And I think I might keep this one because there is so much there.  And not nearly as whiny as I thought it was.

So much has happened in the two years since I last posted.  T and I are divorced, and have been for over a year.  It would have been longer, but T wouldn't sign the papers so that delayed things.  T has not been able to get a job in the two years we have been apart. 

I got a job that would have been a step into the administration job I want, but the principal turned against me, and I returned to the classroom.  I spent the summer trying to get a different job, and very few people even looked at me.  Nothing has worked out the way I thought. 

I traveled overseas because someone in my old district told me it would be seven years before I could even expect to move into administration.  I was forty and didn't think I had that kind of time.  I will be forty-six in a few weeks and the administrative job seems no closer than it ever was. 
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« Last Edit: Aug 5th, 2010 at 12:19am by TexianTraveler »  
 
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #92 - Aug 4th, 2010 at 10:42pm
 
I went to personnel today.  I told the director how Ms. L had treated me and that we didn't need to be together.  She basically said that if Ms. L said I was deficient then I was. 

Never mind that Ms. L is disliked by most of her faculty.  Never mind that half of them left campus because of her.  Never mind that she mistreated and lied to me. 
Never mind that I have twelve years of outstanding evaluations and recommendations. 
Never mind that the year before, when there wasn't a potential replacement on campus, Ms. L herself gave me an acceptable evaluation.
Ms. L said I was deficient, therefore I am.
And the horrible thing is, she did exactly the same thing to my ex.
He had fifteen years of outstanding evaluations.  One year with her and he hasn't been able to work in the two years since.
My mom says I have to find a way to get her on my side.  I'm not sure I wouldn't rather never make it than think I had to have her help.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #93 - Aug 4th, 2010 at 10:50pm
 
I have a choice.  There might be a music job at an elementary opening up tomorrow.  I have to decide whether I am going to try for it.

On the one hand, it's going back to elementary and music, two things I never wanted to do.  Two, if I try and I don't get it, I will have revealed what I am willing to do to get away from her.  Three, it would mean losing about $1000 in salary since I will be teaching Science part of the day this year and there is a stipend for Science.  Four, if something DID come open, I would have NO COMPUNCTION AT ALL about leaving her.  I would leave her on the first day of school.  I would leave her the day of the TAKS test.  If I transferred, I would feel honor-bound to stay until the end of the year.

On the other hand, it means escape.  And since I am convinced it is only a matter of time until she targets me again, that is no small thing.  I will never advance as long as she has any control or influence over what happens to me.

I think I'm going to sleep on it, and see how I feel in the morning.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #94 - Aug 4th, 2010 at 11:00pm
 
My kitty has no teeth.  I haven't seen her yet, but that is what the vet tells me. 

I took her in because her teeth had moved and were protruding out.  You could feel them when you scratched under her jaw.

The vet said she had significant decay and needed a cleaning.  I wasn't surprised.  The smell told me that.  The only surprise came when the vet said it could be a sign of feline leukemia.  (It wasn't, thank goodness.)  So I took her in for the cleaning today. 

I got a call around 9:45 and the vet said there was so much damage she might only have one or two teeth when she came home.  She said that in Siamese, it is unusual but not unknown for the body to reject its own teeth.  Mish is only four, which is really young to have so much tooth loss, so she is one of those whose body does this.

I got a call later around 12:00 and the vet could save none of her teeth.  She will be completely toothless.  I asked if there was anything I could have done and the vet said no.

So one of the questions I have is, do I have to pay for the cleaning or just the extractions?  Since every tooth went in the trash, am I going to be charged for the fact that it was clean when it went in? 

Another question is, how is this cat going to eat?

And the last question is, do cats' lips fall in when they have no teeth, the same way people's do?
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« Last Edit: Aug 5th, 2010 at 12:06am by TexianTraveler »  
 
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #95 - Aug 4th, 2010 at 11:52pm
 
Okay, since I can't say it out loud, even in an empty house with no kids and only one cat in it, I will write this.  What I wish I could tell Ms. L.

I trusted you.  So many people told me not to, my ex, an assistant principal, other teachers, and I just thought that I needed to make my own path, that maybe you would live up to my expectations, that maybe they were wrong.  I mean, I knew what T was like, and the AP was a lying thief, and teachers do a lot of talk.  I thought maybe the sources weren't reliable.  They were.

T told me to record every conversation, to only believe you would hold to a committment made in writing, to force you to make all committments in writing.  I thought that was an incredibly mistrustful way to work.  I refused to let the bitterness of his relationship with you sour the one I had.  I didn't do it.  I should have.  Because the only committments you hold to are the ones you've made in writing.

You lied to me.  You betrayed me.  And somehow, by some miracle, you have such influence that those in power are willing to believe the problem is me.  But lady, you only have so long.  Somehow you will be taken down.  Someday you will betray the wrong person.  Maybe that person isn't me, maybe I won't be the one that tips the scale, that forces the district to face who and what you really are.  But it is coming.  Oh, it is coming. 

Part of me wants to see it.  Part of me wants to be the one.  Part of me wants you to target me so viciously you will have no defense when I reveal it.  I let you off the hook last year.  Three times I could have filed grievances against you, and I never did.  So part of me wants to say, Go ahead.  Take me on.  I have tried to get away from you and I can't so I have nothing left to lose.  If I am trapped here with you, then by God I will record every conversation.  I will restate everything you ever say in an email, and phrase it so that no reply means I'm right.  I will document your every word, every action, I will let nothing slide.  There will be no directive you give me that I will not document, so when you pull your crap of reversing yourself I will have evidence.  And even if I go down instead of you, I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I will have put some sort of chink in your armor. 

Because acting ethically is beyond you, and someday that utter lack of ethics will be revealed.  Too many people are like me, they let things slide because they know how viciously you target those who oppose you.  There are already questions raised about you, but you are too useful right now.  You do two things well.  Raise money and fire people.  The ability to build and nurture is beyond you, and beyond your understanding.  That is what you have against me.  You know that I can do the one thing you cannot, and you know how much power there is in the ability.  You fear the power and you fear your inadequacy in not having it, because you understand that as the principal you should.  What you will never understand is that the power comes from trust, and trust comes from ethics.  Being able to write grants will save you when the need to have someone fire people is gone.  But oh, do I want to see those flames when you go down.


But another part of me isn't willing to self-destruct to harm another, even one so deserving.  No matter that I would only be documenting the harm she does, so often the whistleblower goes down.  That's why so few people do it.  They don't survive the process. 

So the question is, how much harm does she do?  Does she harm teachers?  Most of the teachers I have known that she targeted were in fact deficient.  It is probably what strengthens the case that I am also.  It's like what I learned when I was a kid.  Tell the truth most of the time and they'll believe you when you do decide to lie.  Target the ineffectual people and when you decide to go after the one who is too competent, that you see as a threat, they'll believe she is incompetent too.  Does she harm students?  Only because she targets their teachers.

A different part of me doesn't want to see the destruction, even self-destruction, and know that I had a hand in it or even wished it.  That part of me understands that when the inevitable fall comes, I will be sorry for her. 

Another part of me says to consider myself first.  If what I have to do to be successful is make nice with a lying, destructive, unethical betrayer then that is what I have to do.  I can't save the world.  Look at how many people told me what she was, and look how many of them I believed.  All I need to do is get away, and the easiest way is to get her on my side.  I mean, T fought her, and look what happened to him.  But how much respect will I have for myself?

I am sleeping on it.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #96 - Aug 5th, 2010 at 2:13am
 
I realized that in all that earlier nattering I never said the words. 

I hate Ms. L. 

I really do hate her.

I haven't felt hate since the seventh grade.  I seriously thought that the emotion wouldn't occur again, because everyone's emotions are more intense at that time, and the hate I felt then was the most poisonous, destructive emotion I have ever felt.  I thought I had learned.  I thought I was older, wiser. 

What I feel now isn't as intense as I did then.  It doesn't bother me that she walks the earth, or breathes the same air I do.  But if I could be guaranteed she would fail, be absolutely certain she would not achieve her goals, have her dreams taken from her and shattered, have her current life destroyed, but only at a cost to me, only at the cost of my own, never achieve myself...I just might agree. 

When the harm of another is more important to you than a benefit to yourself, that's hate, and I just now realized it.

*%#&

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« Last Edit: Sep 7th, 2010 at 3:21pm by TexianTraveler »  
 
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #97 - Aug 7th, 2010 at 12:30am
 
You can try killing her in your imagination in the most painful, degrading way possible.  I like hanging, drawing and quartering.  If you can really visualize it, then you can smile at her the next day, knowing that she is really dead to you.

I am a teacher, too, teaching communication theory and public speaking at a junior college.  Fortunately, I like the people I work with and they seem to like me.  You have my sympathy.  I have been in your shoes.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #98 - Aug 25th, 2010 at 5:29pm
 
I found out Ms. L is still at it.  We had a new band director this year.  She forced the old one to retire rather than continue dealing with her.  I had noticed she was having many of the same difficulties with the new one, and I had wondered if she realized that the problem was not the person but the type. 

Anyway, I am helping out on the first day of school and I walk into the band hall.  There is Mr. F, who is (was) the choir director, and he tells me he is the band director now.  So I ask someone what happened to the old one.

I knew there were going to be fireworks between him and Ms. L eventually, but I didn't expect a Fourth-of-July kind of display.  Apparently they had a show down which resulted in him receiving a citation and the issuance of a restraining order.  He resigned in lieu of suspension.

This is the second teacher she has had this kind of experience with.  When, oh when, will the district figure out it isn't the teachers?
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #99 - Aug 30th, 2010 at 2:48pm
 
I had been assuming that the kids would visit their dad over the long weekend.  I found out yesterday I was wrong.  I was kind of looking forward to a weekend by myself, especially since there is a cast party on Friday and I wanted to go and drink, which I don't really do around my children.

Anyway, I knew S had been talking about her dad going to a hotel once his mother moved.  See, he has been living with his mom for over two years, ever since we separated.  She built a house with his sister and is moving into it.  Now what makes sense to me is for him to stay in her old house until it sells, especially since he doesn't have a job.  Still.  After two years.

But apparently she is tired of him being unemployed for so long, and he is being forced to move as well.  Except without income he has nowhere to go.  He is probably living in his car, if it hasn't been repossessed. 

The kids can't stay with him under those conditions. 

I haven't pointed out that he is probably living in his car.  I didn't really realize it until today.  I will not point this out to my children.  But I'm not really sure how to deal with it.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #100 - Sep 1st, 2010 at 5:55pm
 
Another one bites the dust...

I found out earlier this week that we lost a second teacher.  This one made it the first week of school, but then quit because he said he couldn't stand the disorganization and chaos.  I have never seen anything quite like the start of this year.  I have students coming and going in my classes; Monday was basically the first day of school all over again because I had a completely different schedule and almost all of my students changed periods if not teachers. 

They are going to have to either take away a conference period or assign a second person to the dyslexia program to serve all the students.  Not sure which they will go for.

I care only because I am not thrilled about being the dyslexia person for no extra pay and getting one less conference than everyone else.  Although in actuality few people will get the second conference.  Most will have to sub the extra period on days when we don't have enough, which are most days.  So only having one conference will protect me from that.

I just want out of here so badly.

I remember when I was in C, and I was trying to be an administrator, and I wasn't having any luck, and I am teaching my class, and all of a sudden the knowledge that I was NOT doing what I was supposed to do sweeps over me in a great wave, so strongly that my mind goes totally and completely blank, just as if it were sand wiped clean by the ocean.  I mean, for one second I didn't even know where I WAS, I was so disoriented by the power of that emotion.  And that was BEFORE I had been an instructional specialist and summer school administrator. 

That was over five years ago, and I can still remember the power of that experience.  I don't want to go through it again. 

I look every day, several times a day.

And I wait.

And I pray.

And I wonder if I can combine several low income jobs to replace the one I have.  For truly I would rather be a custodian several times a day than to wait for Ms. L to attack me again. 

Or to watch as she destroys others.

Two down.

How many more to go?

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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #101 - Sep 7th, 2010 at 1:12pm
 
Now the real challenge begins.  When I returned to the classroom last year, I thought, "This is okay.  It's only until the summer and then I'll be in charge of summer school."  I got through summer school and I thought, "It's okay.  I'll get the lead in the theater production."  I didn't get the lead.  I thought, "That's okay; I'll be in a new job, and I can't start a new job and have the lead too."  I didn't start a new job.  And I thought, "It's okay.  I have the show and I get energy from that."  The show closed.  Now I'm stuck in a job I hate at a school I hate with people I hate and no prospects of anything changing or getting better.  And I have to work, when someone hands or tells me anything, at not saying "I don't give s*^&."  But I don't.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #102 - Sep 7th, 2010 at 3:14pm
 
I don't give a flying &*^# what Ms. L wants or needs.  God, if I could destroy her without destroying me I would do it.  If I could get another job that paid equal to this I would do it, even if it meant never teaching or working in education again. 

I look at my reflection and my inner dissatisfaction is all over my face.  And I believe that I am really this sunny happy person but then I think of when this has happened to me before and how bitter and angry I was and I am not sure which me is real.

And I can't blame T's influence because he is gone.  And I can't blame the behaviors learned under T because I can choose not to use them.

But God, how I understand. 

How I understand his desire to harm her, even at a cost to himself.  I understand the people who bring weapons to their workplace and blow everything up before killing themselves. 

They see themselves as both avengers and protectors.  They are avenging themselves on those who destroyed their dreams, and protecting those whose dreams have yet to be destroyed. They are angry.  Deeply, bitterly angry.  Angry at a future from which they see no escape.   

You know how I escaped last time?  I moved to Saudi Arabia.  The knowledge that I was going to a job fair in February got me through November to then.  The knowledge I was leaving got me through the rest of the year.  Up until then was a very black time.  Very black.  I survived, but I honestly believe that if I hadn't gotten the idea of going overseas I wouldn't have. 

What do I have now? 

My daughter said something last night.  She said that when I do theater home seems like home and not just a place I go when I am not working.  And I realized that home hasn't been home for a long time.  Home is where I am when I am not someplace else.  And I don't know what would make it home.

I thought my kids coming back from the summer would do it.  But it didn't. 

Not having to choose between buying school supplies and food might help.  $800 a month.  Between T not having a job and not paying child support and the money I lost going back to the classroom, that is the difference in income this year.  That is where some of the pressure comes from.

But honestly, not all of it.  I just want to do what I do best.  And teaching ain't it.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #103 - Sep 8th, 2010 at 1:04pm
 
I told T off last night.  It's a long story, but basically he got our daughter to committ to something that he agreed to pay for then didn't get a job and is out of money and can't pay for it so I have to even though I am $800 a month short.  And our daughter got injured and couldn't do it and he had the NERVE to criticize me for not continuing to pay for her sitting on her butt.  And I finally said, "Look, I have not had the kind of day that is conducive to listening to a bunch of crap, so before I say something really rude like _____ YOU, I'm going to hang up."  And I did.
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Re: Texian's Travels
Reply #104 - Sep 9th, 2010 at 5:24pm
 
Lies, lies, lies.  The lies I tell.

I'm fine.

I'm doing good.

I'm just upset about...(something I am upset about but not the real thing.)

Lies.

What would we do without them?
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