Why no,  as a matter of fact I don’t have kids.

OK, so maybe I don’t particularly care for kids.

Oh alright… I absolutely cannot stand kids.

Now, even though I know virtually nothing about parenting, I can understand why *other* people want to have kids.  I mean, they are great when they’re old enough and you have successfully turned them into little legal slaves that do the dishes, mow the lawn and take out the garbage for you.  Yes, I can see how that would be a plus.  I also understand that if you spend a good 10-15 years grooming a child to be at your every beck and call that you might be upset if you manage to misplace it.

This is why, when I came across the amberalertgps.com today, I thought to myself, “How cool!  Do they make them for dogs?”

Apparently they don’t. All my bichons can do is “sit” but still, I’d be real upset if one wandered off somewhere, it took me at least an hour to teach just that command to each of four dogs!   So I thought for a minute and realized that if I did have my own personal house slave/offspring, I’d be really upset if I lost it after all those years of teaching it how to mix my piña coladas just right.  Or even worse, if someone tried to STEAL it from me after *I* did all the hard work!   Man, I’d be PISSED!

So being the helpful person I am, I thought I’d pass the info along to all my peeps who actually have the patience to deal with a kid until they are old enough for the big payoff.  It’s really cool and I can’t imagine why they didn’t think of this ages ago.  You can track your little wandering future houseboy by cellphone (preferably web enabled)  or on the PC with this nifty gadget.  You can even define a boundary around a “safe zone ” and you’ll receive text message alerts if the Amber Alert GPS moves outside of it.  It even has an SOS button should little Jimmy fall down a well or something.  And once your kids turn into teenagers and they decide they are “too cool” to wait on you hand and foot anymore, this thing also has all kinds of neat things you can do to embarrass the hell out of ’em in retaliation, like notifying you if little Elizabeth drives too fast or decides to hit the local rave rather than the library where she told you she was going.  Then you can call her, make her explain to all her friends that she has to come home immediately,  and then give her the choice of being grounded for three months or massaging your feet every night for an hour until she’s eighteen.  Gawd, this thing is great!  It is apparently useful for all kinds of things I didn’t even touch upon, you can read all about it at amberalertgps.com.

Wow, I just had a thought… they should make an implantable version! I’m gonna write them right now and suggest it!  Superrrrrr geeeeeenius!

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